This blog has been on my heart for a while. I DO believe in God. I have had so many tangible, intimate, miraculous, supernatural experiences with Him and I know these to be from the Lord.
So, why? Why is my heart plagued with doubt? Plagued with the ‘what ifs’?
What if I live my whole life for God, and it’s not true?
What if God’s not real and I’m all alone in this world?
What if Christianity is just a way for the world, and me, to deal with the harsh reality that life is simply just life?
What if we are here inhabiting this earth due to a freak happening billions of years ago?
What if Christianity is fabricated by the human race to make sense of a cruel and dark world?
I recently read a post by a scientist about how he came to KNOW for sure in his heart that Jesus existed, but not only that, that He is who He says He is, the Son of God. It comforted me that a fellow scientist was able to be so sure in his heart of this knowledge. Working in the scientific field, I have a logical mind. I love facts, certainties, I love to know that knowledge has been gained by a solid experimental design, and statistically significant data.
God is not the product of any of these things. As mortal, simple human beings we can never expect to understand the workings of an immortal, ever present, all-knowing, supernatural God. I’ve argued this myself to the young people I’ve worked with over the years who are struggling and wrestling with believing in a God who is frankly, pretty unbelievable! In many ways it’s against human nature to believe that there is a more powerful being out there, we are ‘top of the food chain’ and therefore there could never be anyone more powerful than us. In other ways the human mind has been designed by God to WANT and NEED a higher power. To WANT and NEED a SAVIOUR. This, in itself, can be warped by us to mean that humans are just weak and need something to believe in.
I want that unfaltering, certain, massive faith that can move mountains! I want to be certain. I want God to come down from heaven and announce His sovereignty. God speaks to the heart, He does not shout from buildings. I struggle with doubt. Doubt plagues my Christian life, and it plagues my relationship with my Saviour. I have been a Christian for 12 years (with a few teenage wobbles in between) but I still doubt God EVERY DAY. I am so frustrated by in.
Normally in this blog, I like to present a problem and then share about how God has shown me the solution, taught me how to proceed in light of the problem. I don’t have that today. All I have is the honest cry of a heart, full of shame, blighted by doubting God. Wishing I had the answer, and painfully accepting that I don’t. Meanwhile, humbly hoping that this blog will reach someone who does.
Have you struggled with this? If you have please, please contact me in the comments below. I want to hear from you, I need to know I’m not alone in this. I don’t feel I can open up about this to those I love, those in church. I’m really struggling with it.
“Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?””